It’s that time of year again. It’s my favorite holiday. A day filled with love and generosity and togetherness. A day to celebrate those people in our lives that we don’t know what we would do without. If you’re not feeling that same kind of joy and cheeriness about this holiday, let me assure you that you’re not alone.
As someone who always celebrates by blasting Beyonce’s All the Single Ladies, I’m on a lifelong mission to redefine Valentines Day. Love was never meant to be merely romantic, and so a holiday all about love should be about celebrating all kinds of love. But as this couple-centric holiday seems to keep coming back every year, you might not be feeling do optimistic…and that’s okay.
Whether you’re feeling the sharp pang of unmet longing, or you’re feeling the disappointment that love wasn’t all it’s been cracked up to be…you’re in good company.
As one of my favorite professors said, “life comes for us all.” None of us are immune from that deep soul-crushing loneliness or sadness or despair that life throws at us…no matter our relationship status.
Often, romantic love is packaged and sold to us as if it will fulfill every longing and meet every need in our lives. And that’s just not true.
So, whether you’re single, dating, engaged, married, divorced, or widowed…I can tell you with confidence that there is a message of hope from God for you today.
This is not a “Jesus fixes everything” kinda blog post. I need you to know that now because often when people bring up Jesus and romance in the same sentence, it feels like something really cliche and shallow is about to come out.
The single people know this all too well. They’ve had well-meaning Christians say things like “just wait on the Lord. As soon as you stop looking, you’ll find that special someone” all their lives.
It’s pretty pitiful advice. Not just because it doesn’t actually help, but also because it doesn’t actually reflect who God is.
God is romantic.
And not in the matchmaker kind of way.
When we watch romance movies, and we see meaningful love stories, what we’re really looking at is what it means to be deeply known by someone. There are certainly different forms of this (not all are romantic) but what we long for most deeply is to be known.
When we feel lonely, it often comes down to not feeling truly known. That’s why people can stand in a crowded room and still feel alone. That’s why busy cities are some of the loneliest places.
And the truth is, no matter what your relationship status, no ONE person can fulfill this longing.
We need community.
Single people need community.
Married people need community.
That is exactly how God created us. And when we find community like God intended it, it truly changes the game.
But we don’t only need community. We need Christ. He knows us more deeply than anyone and he invites us into intimate union with him.
The theology nerd in me gets really excited about this because relational union is literally the very definition of who God is. It’s the Trinity. When I was younger, I was very confused about the Trinity. It’s a complex doctrine that none of us can really wrap our heads around. But what I didn’t realize every time I heard about the three leaf clover or the three states of water (that’s modalism, Patrick!) was how the Trinity impacts every facet of our human existence.
The Trinity is how we make sense of relationships. There are a million relationship advice columns in a hundred newspapers across the dozens of states in America, but none of them get it right because they’re missing the most important part! God did not create humans because he was lonely. Before there was Adam…and before there were Angels…God had community within himself. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Three distinct persons with three distinct roles, and yet only ONE God. Again, it’s part of the mystery of the gospel that we can’t fully fathom. But what I do know is that viewing God as Trinity changes how I view love. The persons of the Godhead love eachother in a perfect way – a self giving way. From the Creation of the world to the baptism of Christ to the pentecost, you see the persons of the godhead pouring out love for one another in a selfless way. And because the Trinity functions in full unity and perfect love, God then pours out that love on us, His creation. And because we have experienced that self-giving love to the fullest…even to the point of death on a cross, we can then turn around and pour out the same self-giving love on each other.
So what the heck does this have to do with Valentine’s Day?
God created us as creatures that long to be known intimately. When that longing isn’t met, we feel lonely. When we feel lonely, we try to fill the gap we feel. But maybe we weren’t meant to.
I have experienced deep gut-wrenching bouts of loneliness throughout the years, and every time I find that it reminds me where my community should be found. It should be found first in Christ. He allows us to participate in union with Him…in being fully known and still deeply beloved. The way a husband looks at his wife on their wedding day…that’s how Christ looks at you. He loves you. And the depth of intimacy that he invites you to participate in will both ravage your soul and make you more whole.
But this unity will not be fully fulfilled until we see Jesus face to face. Anyone who has been in a long distance dating relationship knows how hard it is to love someone so much and yet be so far from each other. The Facetiming and letter writing doesn’t compare to being present with each other, face to face. It makes sense then, that there would be something missing when we long for communion with Jesus. He is present with us, but one day we will stand before His throne and all will be right.
So, in the meantime, he’s given us a gift: His body. The church. He’s given us community, friendships, significant others, spouses, parents, siblings, and so many more relationships that provide that physical presence and the opportunity to be deeply known. It’s these relationships that form us. It’s moments of being known that are some of the most meaningful in our lives.
But, remember, those relationships can’t fill the gap completely…ESPECIALLY if we’re of the mindset that we can fill the gap with just a boyfriend or girlfriend. We need the WHOLE body of Christ.
Single people – you need friends, you need platonic opposite gender friends, you need deep and meaningful same-gender friends…you need family and grandparents and mentors and siblings and elders. Fill your life with those people. Allow yourself to be known to them. Offer vulnerability and grow trust. These people will be the hands and feet with Jesus to you. And soon, you’ll be spending Valentine’s Day feasting with your true family because the love we find in the Body of Christ has a space at the table for everyone.
Dating people – don’t believe the lie that your significant other is all you need. He/She is NOT. Spend time being known to each other and growing your relationship, but don’t do it apart from community. Have friends. All kinds of friends. And if you feel like your SO isn’t fulfilling every need, it might be because you need to lean into the intimate love of Christ, knowing that only He can fill the gap.
Married people – I’m hearing from more and more married people that they’re lonely. This shouldn’t be a surprise. Humans are lonely. That’s part of the deal. Marriage can never be your only community. Lean into the Body of Christ. Spend time with your friends. Make space and time for you both to draw nearer to Jesus.
The answer to feeling sad, lonely, or dissapointed on Valentine’s Day isn’t to find a boyfriend or get more flowers from your spouse. The answer is Christ and His Body. That trinitarian union is where it’s at, and just in case the Trinity isn’t the first thing you think of on this Hallmark Holiday…(Haha)…I thought I’d post this helpful reminder.
None of us can do this life alone. We need to be deeply known or else we’ll starve. But God never meant us to be known by only one person. He meant us to be known within community with others and communion with Him. When we find that, a day celebrating Love will become a lot richer than just a box of chocolates and a card.
“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13
That’s true love.
The union between Christ and His Bride…that’s the greatest love story of all time. And you’re in it! How cool is that!
