Loneliness is human. We all feel lonely at one point or another. Yet, it can sometimes be one of the most challenging emotions to handle. While it can be circumstantial, there are other moments we feel alone in a crowded room. Our greatest need is to be known and loved within our community. We run from the feeling of loneliness and fill our lives with vices and distractions because we’re scared that if we face it head-on, we will come to the devastating realization that we’re entirely alone. It’s in these moments we are vulnerable to the enemy’s tactics. He knows that lonely people believe lies. To protect yourself from his attacks, you need to identify the lies you believe when you’re lonely.
The enemy loves to weaponize loneliness. Just think of the story of Jesus’ temptation in the wilderness. In Jesus’ most vulnerable moments, Satan spoke lies to Him. At the end of this story, Luke 4:13 tells us, “And when the devil had ended every temptation, he departed from him until an opportune time.” Likewise, I am convinced that loneliness presents some of the most opportune moments for the enemy to attack us, speak lies, and tempt us to sin. If we can identify common strategies He uses, though, we can prepare ourselves to fight off these attacks even in our most vulnerable state, just like Jesus did.
The Lonely Lie of Desperation
When we feel desperate, we do unhealthy things. If you feel like you’ve lost your last good relationship or worry your friends will abandon you, it will bring you to a place of desperation. If you have an anxious attachment style, you might cling to your friendships for dear life and become codependent. This clinginess will end up pushing them away anyways. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may put up walls and push them away so you don’t get hurt. These self-protective strategies only land you in deeper isolation. If you feel isolated and desperate, you will be more vulnerable to temptation and try to numb yourself with substances or distract yourself with vices that will only dig you deeper into the pit of loneliness.
The Lonely Lie of Despair
The voice of despair likes to use words like “always” or “never.” Despair makes a statement of finality, promising that this feeling will never go away and you will always be stuck in this situation. In despair, you’ll be tempted to believe that change isn’t possible and hope isn’t available. This lie is dangerous because it directly contradicts the resurrection. When Jesus rose from the dead, He eternally banished despair from having any power. Change is never impossible. Through the resurrection of Christ, nothing is ever too dead, too doomed, or too dark for Jesus to transform it with life, hope, and light. No negative emotion or difficult situation can conquer you. And even in loneliness, Jesus says you are never alone. Through His church and His Spirit, He provides community where you had none. Even when it feels impossible or out of reach, you have the God of the universe fighting on your side!
The Lonely Lie of Depression
The enemy wants to incapacitate you with a cloud of depression. Satan’s goal is to steal, kill, and destroy in any way he can. He will steal your joy, kill your hope, and destroy your sense of self. In moments of loneliness, it’s easy to be pulled into waves of depression.
Clinical depression is a real chemical imbalance in your brain, so seeking help from a therapist is important. We can’t oversimplify depression by saying it’s always a spiritual attack. Sometimes our brains have deficiencies because we live in a fallen world. Some people also experience temporary bouts of depression related to big life transitions like moving to a new city or having a baby. Finding help and healing looks different for each person, and people can benefit from both prayer and medication. But just like we can’t oversimplify the condition, we also can’t deny that the enemy wants to keep you down.
This is not the way of Christ. Throughout Scripture, we see him experience a wide range of emotions. He is no stranger to despair and loneliness. He was abandoned, rejected, bullied, and misunderstood. He knows what it’s like to get whiplash from the highs and the lows, and he knows what it’s like to feel numb. He doesn’t want you to stay isolated, but He also offers to meet you in the pain when it’s too overwhelming to get out of bed. Jesus says, “I know you, I see you, and I’m with you.”
The Lies That Keep us Lonely
When you’re lonely, what lies are you most vulnerable to? Most of us have patterns. We have one or two lies that we just can’t shake. They repeat in our minds when we’re insecure or afraid. In fact, when we believe them, sometimes we repeat them to ourselves. Do any of these sound familiar?
- “Everybody always leaves you.”
- “Nobody loves you.”
- “You’ll never have the king of friendships you want.”
- “Nobody wants to be your friend.”
- “You are not lovable.”
- “You are a burden.”
- “People are pretending to be nice but secretly judging you.”
- “You’re so annoying and cringy.”
- “You’d be better off alone so you don’t get hurt again.”
- “If you make your friends mad, they will leave”
- “This is the last good friendship you’ll ever have. You don’t deserve good things.”
Did you notice how these are written with “you” pronouns? This is because they are lies coming directly from the enemy: The Accuser. We cannot internalize them because when we do, they stop being external lies and start to become our internal self-talk. When you hear a lie, you have to mentally refute it with the truth. If you don’t, you will start to do the enemy’s job for him. We’ve all done it. We’ve all been our own worst critics. Don’t bully yourself. Don’t be the meanest voice in your own life. God never wanted you to build your identity or interpretation of life off these lies! If you do, you will start to build a view of yourself that directly contradicts how your own Creator sees you. Don’t say anything to yourself that He wouldn’t say.
How to Overcome the Lies
It’s easy for me to sit here at my keyboard writing out all the lies that lonely people believe, but it’s not so simple at the moment. I still fall victim to these lies too. So how can we overcome them? Follow these steps:
1. Identify
First, you have to identify them. At your lowest points when you’re feeling lonely, what is the thought that keeps coming back? Is there a perceived flaw that you beat yourself up about? Are you coming to conclusions about why you’re alone that make a statement of your value? If you’re struggling to identify negative self-talk, it helps to pinpoint anything that makes you feel shame, despair, self-hatred, fear, or hopelessness.
2. Separate
Once you can identify the lie, separate it from your personhood. That lie is a separate entity from you. It is not a part of your identity or and it does not influence your worth. Instead of thinking, “I’m a burden,” try saying, “I’m noticing a thought saying I’m a burden.” When you separate it from yourself, you can examine it for validity. Is this thought valid? Does it have any truth to it? What made you come to this conclusion? Maybe your friend was tired after you vented to her. Does this mean you are a burden? No. This just means she exerted energy because she values your friendship and wants to use her energy to support you. You would do the same for her.
3. Reject
As you examine the thought, reject anything that is not true. And even if the idea stemmed from a tidbit of truth, that doesn’t mean the whole statement is true. Our enemy is a master manipulator, and he is skilled in the craft of truth twisting. In the garden with Eve, he utilized a piece of truth and contorted it to cause doubt and deception. Reject any “always” or “never” s. Even if there are patterns in your life, change and hope are never impossible. It is foolish to come to conclusions about things that haven’t happened yet. If you’re measuring your worth with a faulty measuring tape, the conclusion will be wrong anyways.
Next Steps:
We were not meant to be in a perpetual state of bliss. You are no less spiritual if you feel lonely or sad sometimes. That just means you’re human. Many of us spend years of our lives away from our most human moments. But if Jesus wanted us to escape from our humanity, why would He leave His heavenly throne and become human? The Bible says that he learned obedience through what he suffered and tells us to consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds. Negative emotions are a part of life. But the garden of Gethsemane is a striking reminder that even in isolation and despair, we are never alone. And God is not yet done with our story. There will be a day when we will be fully united with Christ and His entire church. On that day, He will deeply fulfill our unending unmet longing to be fully known and fully loved.
Until that day, we can practice pushing back the darkness by creating patterns of truth and hope. In moments of despair, the enemy wants nothing more than to convince you the fight is over and the war has been won. If you feel like He has destroyed everything good and beautiful in your life, then what’s the point of fighting back? That’s when we so readily accept the lies and give in to the temptation to “join the dark side” with whatever most eases the pain at the moment.
But we know the end of the story. The darkness will never overcome the light. Jesus has already died, the temple curtain was already torn, and the resurrection proved that NOTHING has the final say except Him. So write down the lies you tend to believe when you’re lonely in your darkest moments and put them somewhere you can see them. Then, the next time an opportune moment comes along, you will recognize the enemy’s strategy and refuse to be bamboozled by him. Jesus fights for you, and He will never leave you alone.
