Years ago, I was looking through my old MP3 player (not even an iPod, just a generic MP3 player), and I stumbled upon a voice recording I accidentally took on February 14th. I know this voice recording was an accident because it was many hours long, and when I pressed play, you could hear the cadence of my steps as the MP3 player rubbed against the inside of my coat pocket. The audio quality was less than desirable, but the memories of that sweet Valentine’s Day still stick in my mind.
It was a Tuesday or a Thursday because I was attending high school classes with my friends at a local homeschool coop. And though the majority of the recording was aimless pocket scratches, I’m still so glad my little device captured the love I experienced that day. It was around that time in my life that I loved listening to Sound of Music’s “I am 16 Going on 17” because I was convinced my turn for a timeless love story was just around the corner. My 16-year-old self would be quite dismayed to see her 27-year-old self writing this blog article, but only because she wouldn’t realize how kind her late twenties would be to her and how loved she would feel.
When I first listened to that accidental audio recording, it struck me how much love I experienced on Valentine’s Day that I, at the time, would have considered wasted without any romantic gestures or proclaimed suitors. But as I listened, I heard friends laughing at my jokes, loved ones wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day, classmates telling me stories or sliding out chairs to sit next to me, and I even heard a teacher give me the day off from my assignment because my classload was overwhelming and he chose to give me some grace. Though I never received a bouquet of roses that day, I did receive an abundance of love.
What to Do When You’re Single on Valentine’s Day
If you’ve ever felt sad and sappy on Valentine’s Day, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s so common that there have been entire movies and books on the subject. This year probably won’t help since February 14th happens to fall on Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent when much of Christendom remembers that we are dust and to dust we shall return. (The jokes write themselves.)
But rather than spiraling into loneliness or fears for your future, this is my ultimate guide to enjoying Valentine’s Day as a single person (written by a self-proclaimed expert on singleness).
1. Expand Your Definition of Love
When you think back on your life – on your greatest achievements and most sorrowful tragedies – who was there for you? It’s likely that some of the most important people on this list had no romantic tie to you. Your life is filled with people who love you in all kinds of capacities. And while this may not be the same as romantic love, it’s no less significant. We need support systems that are diverse and abundant. So, though you might need a moment to grieve your singleness in this season, don’t let yourself spiral into self-pity, believing the lie that you are unloved. Instead, CELEBRATE the many people who love you and dwell on the thought that you are loved in so many ways. To be loved, after all, is the most human thing of all. So this makes Valentine’s Day an excellent time to celebrate that you are alive and living a vibrant life, filled with joy because of the people around you.
2. Don’t Run and Numb
Though it’s not always exciting, feeling the highs and lows is a gift. It’s an invitation to engage with your full self and be fully present to experience each moment before you. Don’t let your negative emotions lure you into the trap of escapism to numb the sadness or block out the disappointment. Instead, make space for yourself to experience whatever you feel without the pressure of judgment or self-condemnation.
There are people in all phases of life who have unfulfilled longings or unanswered prayers. For single people, it’s valid to have moments of sadness or disappointment that your life looks different than you’d hoped it would be. But it also may be helpful to realize that there are people in other phases of life who still wrestle with those same feelings. We never really “arrive.” There will always be more moments that require us to wait on God and bring our unmet desires before Him. So don’t rush ahead and run from the gifts God is currently providing. Steward your disappointment well and learn to embrace that you can be content AND HAVE LONGING at the same time.
3. Romanticize your Life
I’m a firm believer that you don’t need a suitor to experience romance. God created our lives to be filled with small and beautiful moments that give us glimpses into eternity. The mere act of noticing can turn a mundane moment into a romantic one. Simply the act of becoming more present in the moment and having someone to share it with can bring so much delight into our lives. And though a typical romance movie would depict sharing these mundane moments with your date, you can also share them with your mom, your friend, or Jesus himself.
I’ve shared many intimate, beautiful moments with Jesus, and it was just as all the best love stories say: it wasn’t the event or gesture itself that made the moment special, but the love you share with that person and the enjoyment you experience by just being with them.
The Lord delights in you and wants to delight with you over the small and large special moments of your life. Whether you notice how the snow glistens in the sunlight or whether you notice the intentional way God answered your prayer – life is filled with romantic moments.
You don’t have to adopt the wide-eyed disposition of Anne of Green Gables if your personality is more naturally aligned with Nick Miller from New Girl or Carl from UP. But we all have the capacity to enjoy little moments, and that is the romance of life.
4. Create a Grand Gesture
Too often, singles fall victim to a mentality convinced we must wait around for grand gestures to come to us. It’s easy to feel sad that you don’t have a lover going out of their way to surprise you with a big bouquet or tickets to your favorite sports team on Valentine’s Day. But that doesn’t mean you need to live a boring life until that day comes. Especially in the church, we can believe the lie that our lives won’t really begin until marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth – instead, you can live your dream life now and even pursue the grand gestures that you normally wouldn’t experience on a normal Wednesday night.
What experiences or events do you enjoy? What might be included in your perfect date, or what grand gesture might someone surprise you with on a special occasion? You might not normally spend money on yourself, but this year could be the year that you take life by the horns and try something new. You can treat yourself to an activity that will bring you joy OR invite someone you love to experience it with you. As you think about grand gestures you might enjoy, also begin thinking of grand gestures you could create for family or friends to make them feel seen and valued. Grand gestures are a wonderful way to brighten someone’s day, no matter their relationship to you!
5. Learn to Love Yourself (& your neighbor) the Way God Does
The story of St. Valentine is about so much more than candy hearts and hallmark cards. Saint Valentine is known as the “saint of love” because he married Christian couples even when Christianity was outlawed. So this Hallmark holiday was originally a time to celebrate his undying devotion to his Savior even unto death. This is true love.
In many areas of our lives, we have cheapened the meaning and value of true love. Valentine risked his life to perform Christian marriages because the love of God was worth the risk. Love – self-sacrificial love – is always worth the risk. Christ modeled this love as He sacrificed His life for us, and we have the opportunity every day to show this unfailing love by sacrificing for others.
This way of life begins not by an ascetic or machochistic self-denial, but instead by a stillness before the Lord to receive from Him. Christian sacrifice cannot come from a desire to “do more” for God, but rather an overflow of the love we’ve experienced from God. We can only lavish this love on others when we’ve felt this lavish love ourselves. We cannot simply keep the love of God tucked away as head knowledge or Veggie Tale quotes. Rather, it must become a real tangible experiential knowledge that we can feel in our brains, our bodies, and our emotions. So maybe this Valentine’s Day is simply an opportunity for you to sit down and ask God,
“Show me how much you love me. Help me to experience being delighted in by you.”
When we have experienced this, it becomes so much more natural to lavish that love on all those we come in contact with – our friends, our family, maybe even our enemies. Because God’s love isn’t scarce, it won’t run out, and it’s not something we need to conjure up on our own – it’s a gift we can give away and a well that won’t run dry.
More Resources for Christian Singles
At the end of the day, Valentine’s Day isn’t the end-all-be-all of love. It’s just another Wednesday. But if it’s a day that tends to make you a little bit sad, I hope this guide can help it suck a little less.
To read more content on Valentine’s Day, the love of God, or singleness, check out:
