Do you ever feel like loneliness is a more constant companion than most friends? The irony is both captivating and haunting. The gnawing feeling of loneliness can trigger anxiety, lengthen depression, and make it easy to isolate yourself even further. So how do you deal with loneliness? Is there a way to make this feeling go away for good?
There may not be a one size fits all formula to cure loneliness, but I have found ways to help. If you incorporate these five tips to deal with loneliness into your life, you might find it less overwhelming next time this nagging feeling returns.
We’re Made by a Relational God
We weren’t created for isolation. One glance at Genesis shows this. The first problem posed in the Bible isn’t sin. Even before sin entered the world, Adam was looking for companionship. Can you imagine how he felt naming each animal and not finding any creatures like him? He didn’t know how to deal with loneliness either.
God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” This is certainly true in marriage, but it is not only true in marriage. More than we need spouses, we need friends and community. We were designed in the image of a relational God. There is a sense of community even within the Trinity. If God himself exists in intimate union with the persons of the Godhead, then we were designed to experience intimate union with Him and His church. Throughout the biblical narrative, we see that God intended us to crave being fully known and fully loved.
So what do we do when we feel like something is missing? How do we deal with loneliness?
Tip #1: Deal with Loneliness by Letting Go of Lies
Remember when the devil waited for “opportune moments” to attack Jesus? I am convinced that loneliness presents some of the most opportune moments for us to be attacked, believe lies, and even fall into sin. But, unfortunately, we don’t always deal with loneliness well, do we?
In moments of isolation, the enemy will throw lies at you. He wants to corner you, make you feel desperate, and convince you to agree with lies destroying you from the inside out. He will try to bring destruction through despair, desperation, and depression. The best way to fight this is to identify which lies you are believing and speak the truth to yourself. Lies will tempt you to come to a conclusion about why you are alone, and most of the time, that conclusion is wrong. Whether the core lie you believe is “everyone leaves me” or “I’m a burden,” don’t let yourself agree with a conclusion God wouldn’t affirm Himself.
Tip #2: Deal with Loneliness by Leaning Into Relationship
If you’re feeling lonely, it’s because you’re craving relationship. You want to feel seen and known. Many different relational dynamics can contribute to your loneliness. Do any of these sound familiar?
Long Distance Friendship
Sometimes loneliness simply comes down to logistics. If your friend moved far away, you don’t see each other as often. If this is the problem:
- Text them to reconnect.
- Set up a time to Facetime.
- Send a postcard or letter.
- Plan a trip to see them.
- Find a destination you can meet in the middle.
- If a meme or TikTok makes you think of them, send it to them.
- Remember, they are busy too. If they don’t text back, it’s okay to text again.
- Don’t forget they might feel lonely too. Send them a nice “thinking of you” text.
No Friend-On-Demand
Our friends aren’t available to drop everything and come hang out like they were in high school and college. This dynamic change might make it feel like nobody’s there when you need them. People are managing job schedules, family commitments, and sometimes they need to protect the few hours they have off so they can recharge. Things to help if you have no one to talk to are:
- Build a support system with multiple friends you can call on a bad day. If one is not available, maybe someone else is.
- Incorporate relationships with mentors, pastors, and advisors into your life, so you have people to give you advice when you get overwhelmed.
- Find a counselor you can talk to. There are dozens of resources, including online counseling. This will help you learn to process your emotions healthily rather than leaning on others to fix them.
- Pray! Jesus knows how you feel. You can come to Him when you’re feeling heavy and cast your anxieties on Him, finding rest for your soul. He hears your prayers and answers in powerful ways!
Busy Friends
If you have a friend who is never available when you want to hang out, it can feel like they don’t want to make the time. But sometimes, our lives get filled to the brim, and it’s hard to make time for everything we love. This season will pass, but in the meantime:
- Don’t give up trying. Even if they are unavailable, it’s still nice to be thought of. Always ask – the worst they can say is no.
- Offer to join them to do an activity they already have scheduled, like grocery shopping or working on a house project.
- Have compassion. It can hurt when it feels like someone doesn’t have time for you but don’t forget your friend is probably in survival mode, trying to hold it all together. Reminding them you love them and that you’re there if they need you.
No Friends
If you struggle to find lasting friendships or recently moved to a new city, you might not have friends nearby to hang out with. Unfortunately, making adult friends isn’t as easy as it was for toddlers on the playground, but you have the power to change your current circumstances by trying to:
- Find a church and get connected with a small group.
- Join exercise classes, art groups, or sports teams to find like-minded people.
- If you want to get to know someone, invite them to hang out or attend an event with you. It’s scary, but they’ll probably be flattered. Great friendships can start this way.
Beware of Comparison
The fear of missing out (FOMO) can significantly contribute to loneliness. Social media lets you know when your friends are having fun without you. You won’t always be included or invited, and that’s okay. You can feel disappointed without letting the loneliness eat you up. Don’t compare yourself with your friend’s other friends to see where you rank. That’s not fair or realistic. If your friend hangs out with other close friends, this is not a statement about your worth or how much your friend loves you. They are allowed to have relationships with other people. Celebrate that!
Ultimately, you have the power to reach out and lean into the relationships around you when you’re feeling lonely. You can advocate for yourself and initiate with your friends. Sometimes, all it takes is a text to set up a monthly or weekly coffee date that never existed before.
Tip #3: Deal with Loneliness by Lingering in the Tension
Occasionally loneliness has nothing to do with how much you see your friends. Have you ever been lonely at a party?
Research suggests that cities can be some of the loneliest places on Earth. This tells me loneliness isn’t just about proximity or interaction with other humans. It goes deeper than that. Personal suffering contributes to the “alone in a room full of people” feeling. When we are in pain, we feel alone.
Suffering Feels Isolating
Sometimes the pain goes so deep and feels so personal that we believe no one else feels the same way. We look around the room of smiling people and think we’re the only ones in pain, so we isolate ourselves. In moments like these, it helps to talk to someone. When a friend offers their presence and compassion, it makes us feel like there’s someone in it with us. And most of the time, they can relate. Isolation fades as intimacy invades.
We need to remember two truths:
- Someone else has felt this way before. Suffering is so personal and yet so universal.
- Loneliness is part of the human condition. Everyone feels lonely.
Rather than run away from feelings of loneliness and isolation, we should sit in the tension. It doesn’t need to make sense, and you don’t need to fix it. Sometimes it’s just a passing wave.
You’re Only Human
This isn’t your fault. You don’t feel lonely because there’s something wrong with you – you feel lonely because you’re human. God created us to long for things we can’t get here on Earth. Longing tells us that our desires are working. We long for healthy relational intimacy. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen because we live in a broken world.
It’s a broken system. We’re just living in it.
Sometimes we rant to a friend for two hours and still don’t feel heard. And occasionally we need something from a friend they can’t give us because of their own suffering. The longing isn’t broken – the world is.
We long for things humans can’t give us. We’re living in a timeline when we don’t yet get to dwell with Him face to face. One day, He will fulfill all your God-given longings. But that day hasn’t come yet. You’re human, and humans feel lonely sometimes. Let the loneliness ebb and flow like the tide, and don’t let the wave pull you under into despair.
Tip #4: Deal with Loneliness by Learning to Enjoy Your Own Company
Did you know you could be alone but not lonely? Everyone (extroverts and introverts) can learn how to enjoy being alone. When you do, it’s empowering.
Even if it’s not your preference, there will be moments you find yourself alone, despite all your best efforts. Have you considered that this might be good for you? It’s easy to use people to distract us. Do you avoid being alone to run away from negative thoughts? Or do you avoid being alone because you get your happiness and sense of self from others? We all have a little dysfunction. But wouldn’t you rather spend time with people to enjoy them rather than use them as a crutch?
Being alone is healthy; a day alone doesn’t have to be miserable and lonely. You can learn to have a lot of fun! This doesn’t happen naturally, but with a little practice, it can result in confidence and unforgettable memories. Spending time alone can help you squash self-hatred and learn to enjoy your own company.
Don’t expect to love it the first time you try it. You’ve got to unlearn some of your internalized social anxiety and fear of judgment. Think of it as a type of exposure therapy. Doing the thing you’re scared of will make it less scary. It’s science.
Easy Entry-Level Solo Activities:
- Do a DIY project
- Read a book
- Cook a gourmet meal
- Do some landscaping
- Play a video game
Venture Out Into the Neighborhood:
- Take a walk
- Go for a car ride
- Enjoy thrift shopping
- Venture to the mall
- Go to a coffee shop
Embrace the Awkward:
- Eat at a sit-down restaurant
- Experience the movie theater
- Go mini-golfing
- Play at the arcade
- Go to the beach
Plan an Adventure:
- Walk through a museum
- Go to a concert
- Plan a picnic in a park
- Visit a cool landmark on a day trip
- Go on vacation as a solo-traveler
I never used to go anywhere unless I had someone to go with. It didn’t occur to me how much of a prison that was until I started doing things alone. Being alone no longer makes me think about how alone I am. Now, I am just genuinely living my best life when my friends are available and when they’re not!
Tip #5: Deal with Loneliness by Letting It Pass
Have you ever had a kidney stone? Some things are more painful to let pass than others. The pain and discomfort you feel in your loneliness are legitimate, but they will pass.
Identify the lies you’ve been believing and reject them. Allow yourself to be sad or disappointed. Big feelings don’t have to pull you under. Separate the emotion from your personhood and identity. You are not your emotion, and it does not define your worth. It does not define your reality – it helps you interpret your reality.
When the emotion appears initially through a butterfly in your stomach or a lump in your throat, don’t immediately push it away. Instead, invite yourself to feel it and then allow it to pass. I think of this as a wave passing through me. It might knock me off balance, but if I ride the wave, the rough water will pass.
Riding the Wave
Just like any other feeling, loneliness comes in waves. Sometimes it’s directly connected to a friend moving away, and sometimes you feel it in the middle of a crowded party. Occasionally you’ll feel it vaguely, and sometimes you’ll feel it strongly. Maybe you need human companionship, and but maybe you need something only God can provide.
Dealing with loneliness is part of being human, and letting yourself be human is okay. When the feeling settles into your soul, remind yourself that you won’t feel like this forever. If it’s just a passing sensation, it doesn’t feel so final. Have you ever sat on a windy beach and looked out over the water? Waves can be magnificent. And sometimes, the wave of loneliness will push you further into great friendships.
Next Steps
Studies have shown that social media can increase feelings of loneliness, anxiety, isolation, depression, and comparison. Our brains weren’t designed to interpret a Facebook chat the same way we interpret a hug. Dealing with loneliness can drive us to do desperate things to numb the pain. So here’s my warning: don’t settle for cheap versions of the real thing.
Don’t try to numb the potency with other potent substances. It won’t help to fill the void by texting an ex late at night. And don’t let yourself go on imprudent internet escapades you’ll regret. If you don’t let the pain of loneliness sting a little, you’ll be tempted to run to cheap versions of the real thing, causing even more pain. This post gives you practical strategies in your toolbelt, so you can make a realistic plan to use next time loneliness hits. That way, instead of being raw and exposed to opportune moments from the enemy, you’ll be prepared to remember the truth.
Jesus Cares
No matter the cause or the severity of your isolation, Jesus cares. He sees the loneliness you’re feeling, and He is with you. He had twelve disciples, but I’m sure He felt like none of them “got it” more than we know. That’s isolating. When you feel powerless, He has the power to step in. Your social awkwardness is no match for His strength. He can do impossible things, and He is in the business of providing relationships for His most relational creations. The Bible says He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will show up, and He might even show off a little!
