When the pandemic hit three years ago, our lives were turned upside down. From canceled plans to disrupted routines, we were all forced to adapt to a new way of living. One silver lining, however, was the opportunity to spend more time with our families. While it felt like a blessing at first, many families soon felt like they were spending a little too much time together. Being cooped up inside brought out the worst in all of us, so every family got a close-up view of their own dysfunction. Your family might be the type to air out all its dirty laundry or might be more prone to maintain appearances. But if you’re a Christian, the pressure to appear godly and wholesome can feel overwhelming. It’s lonely to face your own chaos when the people around you at church seem to have it all together. But what if the families in the Bible were more like your family than the picture-perfect family on magazine covers?
What does the Bible say about Family?
The Bible has a lot to say about family. And there are certain verses that come to mind immediately. If you’ve ever heard a sermon about family, you’ve probably heard verses like these:
- “Honor your father and mother” – Exodus 20:12 (NIV) and Deuteronomy 5:16 (NIV)
- “Children, obey your parents” – Ephesians 6:1-3 (NIV) and Colossians 3:20 (NIV)
- “Husbands love your wives” – Ephesians 5:25 (NIV)
- “Children are a blessing from the Lord” – Psalm 127:3 (NIV)
- “Obey your elders” – 1 Peter 5:5 (NIV)
While the Bible does contain many passages that speak to God’s ideal for how families should function, it also contains numerous accounts of dysfunctional families. In fact, if you look closely enough, you can find just as many examples of what family shouldn’t be as there are examples of what family could or should be. Despite the prevalence of flawed families in Scripture, it’s important to remember that the Bible provides valuable lessons for all families, no matter how imperfect they may be.
Family Dysfunction in the Bible
Perhaps you’re even thinking of your own family as you read this. The truth is, no matter how put-together a family may appear, every family has its own set of messes. Even the families in the Bible were far from perfect. Take, for example, the original family of Adam and Eve. In Genesis, the first husband and wife could have lived out their marriage in wedded bliss. They were in paradise, after all! Instead, they pulled each other farther from God. They caused each other to doubt who God is and ultimately sin by taking a bite of the forbidden fruit. Their sons, Cain and Abel, later followed suit. Though they were the first set of brothers in history, their relationship was far from harmonious. Cain ultimately took his brother’s life, committing the first murder.
The dysfunctional families continue with the story of Abraham and Sarah. As they traveled, Abraham’s fear of being attacked and having his wife taken led him to betray his wife. Through lies and deceit, Abraham allowed Pharaoh to take her into his harem because he was too scared to claim her as his wife. Can you imagine how Sarah must have felt? Even Pharaoh, upon realizing that they were married, chastised Abraham and demanded an explanation for his actions. The moment must have shattered trust and left the relationship between all parties strained. Clearly, this is not an example of a functional family.
Neither is the house of David! David intentionally saw to it that Bathsheba’s husband was killed. He would rather an innocent man face a gory death than restrain his own lustful intentions. Bathsheba had little choice in the matter – a pattern that was repeated between David’s son and daughter. These acts of murder, adultery, and assault are the epitome of dysfunction. Though David is called a man after God’s own heart, his household was a mess! His children got a front-row seat to his holy and unholy acts, so they modeled his dysfunction in the way that they interacted with each other. The stories of David’s children are particularly heartbreaking, with examples of betrayal, violence, and even murder among siblings. While there are many other stories of dysfunctional families in the Bible, the tragic saga of David’s family serves as a stark reminder that even those chosen by God can be flawed and broken.
Family Disfunction in the New Testement
Dysfunction is not limited to just the families in the Old Testament; even the New Testament has its share of examples. Even Jesus’s own family had its own issues. While it was miraculous for Jesus to have been born of a virgin, the circumstances surrounding His birth were scandalous. Isaiah even refers to Jesus as the song of the drunkards. It’s hard to imagine growing up in a situation where your family is the subject of ridicule and dishonor, but this may have been Jesus’ experience. Word travels fast in small-town Nazareth. Scripture speaks to the fact that even those closest to Jesus did not always understand who He was. And those in surrounding areas quickly dismissed him, asking, “Can anything good come from Nazareth?” Despite this, Jesus remained steadfast in His mission, serving as an example of grace, forgiveness, and love to all those around Him.
Growing up as the younger sibling of the Messiah, who never sinned, would have been challenging. It’s easy to imagine that feelings of bitterness or resentment could have developed within the hearts of His siblings. In fact, Jesus’s own family struggled to fully grasp His identity as the Messiah. Even His own brothers did not believe in Him. Jesus knew firsthand what it meant to be part of a dysfunctional family, to be misunderstood and not fully accepted by those closest to Him. Yet, despite these challenges, He was gracious to offer a new family to those who believed. Jesus’ disciples also had their share of sibling relationships (James/John & Peter/Andrew). Following Jesus was exciting, but being brothers and disciples did not always come easy.
Christian Families Don’t ______.
Sometimes Christians lull themselves into a false sense of security by believing these kinds of dysfunctions are “out there” problems. We tell ourselves that life apart from Christ is how big bad scary things happen. Divorce, abuse, addiction, violence, infidelity, and chronic conflict seem like “pagan problems” until they hit close to home. The reality is we are all sinners, and we all live in a broken world impacted by the effects of the fall. Though holy living and Christlike love make way for more fulfilling relationships, they do not protect us from the effects of our own or others’ selfishness.
Every dysfunctional family I mentioned from Scripture was deeply devoted to God. Adam and Eve walked with God. Abraham had an incredible covenant with the Lord. David was a man known for His righteous heart. And Jesus himself was one with the Father. So our faith is not a safeguard we can hide behind to escape our own imperfections and run from our family’s flaws. Christian parents can still hurt their kids. Christian spouses can still harm their marriage. Christian families can still be dysfunctional. In fact, sometimes it’s the people closest to you that are the hardest to love.
Alternatively, just because you grew up in a Christian home doesn’t mean your childhood was without pain. Christian families do not automatically equate to healthy families. Spiritual belief and emotional health are distinct disciplines that do not always intermingle. It’s this false assumption that leads to surprise and distress when the people that were meant to be spiritual leaders, pastors, mentors, and friends turn out to bring the deepest destruction. Some of the biggest Christian leaders of our day are some of the unhealthiest people at their core – that’s the evangelical recipe for a church scandal. At the microcosmic level, parents and siblings and relatives who claim a devoted faith to Jesus can also be the biggest source of dysfunction in our lives.
Bringing Your Dysfunction to Jesus
Whether you are a source of dysfunction in your family or your family is a source of dysfunction to you (for most of us, it’s a little of both), give yourself permission to admit that out loud. The enemy really likes to keep us in unhealthy cycles by perpetuating cultures of shame, silence, and secrecy. The healthiest thing you can do to combat the unhealthy patterns in your life and your family’s life is to bring it into the light.
Shame doesn’t survive in freedom. Silence doesn’t survive when we’re not afraid. And darkness doesn’t survive in the light. Nothing is ever too far gone for Jesus to redeem. He didn’t come for the healthy – He came for the sick. He spent his days on earth dining with sinners and dwelling with outcasts. Redeeming your dysfunction is His specialty. You can find comfort in the fact that there’s nothing new under the sun. Every messy detail, He’s seen before. Every messed-up piece of your story was probably a reality for a biblical family too. The Bible wasn’t meant to be sugarcoated. The rough and ragged details are there on purpose. Our God is a God of restoration, and He cares just as much about your health and your healing as your holiness.
Christian Families are Broken Families
The biggest thing that should define you as a Christian family is your humility, not your perfection. Jesus didn’t ever ask us to have it all together. He just asked us to bring our brokenness to Him. In a world that appears like it’s falling apart at the seams, that’s great news! Despite the dysfunction, God can redeem your mess for His glory. He placed you in your family for a purpose. He’s shown this time and time again! Out of David’s great sin came King Solomon…the wisest man on earth. Not only did Solomon build the temple – He was also in the family line of Jesus. Out of David’s imperfection came the perfect sacrifice and King. God can take every mess and work it for our good.
What does this mean for your family? Have you ever felt the need to hide or sugarcoat an aspect of your family because it felt too messy or flawed? Have you ever felt shame or guilt about something that happened in your marriage or parenting? Or were you on the receiving end of dysfunction that has caused lasting wounds? Whatever your situation, our God is the God who Sees. He knows the details that feel too messy to share, and He was there in the moments that feel too overwhelming to admit. So no matter the dysfunction – big or small – God has a plan and a purpose to restore you to health, holiness, and best of all: HOPE!
