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Hello friends.
This blog post is going to have a bit of a different tone than my posts normally do. I usually try to post very professional, more formal, long-form publishable articles that I sometimes work months to produce. I actually had a prewritten article all queued up to be posted in March: a part 2 of my homeless series. However, I felt that writing an article unrelated to this Covid-19 crisis we were all facing would be insensitive at worst and unhelpful at best. So rather than that, I scheduled in time to write a more timely article. I even spent hours one night writing a beautiful post that later got lost or deleted accidentally. A week or so later, I felt extremely inspired and began writing a different, but quite poignant post. This got lost or deleted somehow too.
So here I am, two months of the Covid quarantine in and two lost blog posts later, with very little left to offer. And even though writing is my passion, I suppose this goes to show that Covid gets to the best of us. I guess God didn’t want either of those articles to be posted.
I make it my personal goal to write and publish one blog post a month and I do absolutely anything necessary to accomplish this. To the point where I was up almost all night on Thanksgiving Day Eve writing from a hotel desk while my family was snoring after we’d all been on a long car trip. So when I say I’m committed, I mean cOmItTeD.
No one could accuse me of not working hard enough. But I do. I accuse myself of that all the time. Every wasted minute that I squander leads to my own internal rebuke on how each second could have been spent more productively. I am my own worst critic.
I don’t know about you, but this quarantine has been hard for reasons I never expected. It’s not the virus that is destroying me. It’s not the quarantine that is overwhelming me. It’s not even the extra time or mandatory sabbath that I’m struggling with. The thing that is destroying me is myself. My inner critic doesn’t take a pandemic as an excuse. My inner critic doesn’t take no for an answer. And if there’s anyone I have trouble setting boundaries with, it’s that little lady inside my head looking at her watch and crumpling up pages from her clipboard filled with unachievable expectations.
My inner critic says things like:
“You have all this extra time, and what have you done with it? Surely you could have done more.”
“You didn’t manage your time well today so you didn’t get enough work done so you should be racked with guilt for the rest of the night and work on tasks until bedtime because you already used up all your spare time with distractions. Also, tomorrow, you should feel too defeated to be productive and you should waste your time again and do nothing”
“Why are you complaining about this quarantine? Are you dying? Then you have nothing to complain about. Suck it up. Other people have it worse than you.”
“You have no valid excuse to feel worn out by this quarantine. You’re just spending inordinate amounts of time locked in the house where you live anyways. There’s no excuse to feel weary. Get up and do something productive.”
“There’s no reason to feel flustered or frustrated with the media. They are just doing their job. And they’re probably good people who are working hard for the good of the country but they’re also probably evil people who are scheming to destroy our nation and lie because it’s all a conspiracy and they’re probably also guessing and throwing darts in the dark because no one knows what’s happening anymore and the world is coming to an end and will never be the same and there’s no hope and we’re all gonna die. But you’re not listening to or reading enough to be a responsible, well-informed citizen with valid opinions but you’re also listening to too much because who can we trust anyways and what is truth? So either way, you’re not doing enough and you aren’t allowed to feel this way.”
“You’re not exercising enough. You aren’t eating well enough. You aren’t going to bed at the right time or waking up at the right time. You haven’t reached out to enough friends this week. You haven’t attended enough zoom meetings this week. When was the last time you did laundry? You’re not spending enough time in the Word. You’re not spending enough time outside. You forgot to reply to that email. You still need to post a blog post. You have a million things on your to-do list that haven’t been done yet. What’s your excuse for failing at life? And don’t say coronavirus.”
Obviously my inner critic isn’t kind to me. I am not gentle with myself. Can anyone else relate?
I feel like this quarantine has brought out the worst parts of me. It’s put a spotlight on all the things I don’t like about myself. It has highlighted my weaknesses and made me come face to face with my flaws. If there’s any way to humble a person, a global pandemic out to do the trick.
But back to my blog post problem. After a couple months of quarantine and a couple lost blog posts, I realized I had nothing to say. I was putting all this pressure on myself to write some meaningful article about all the spiritual significance of COVID-19, but I had nothing. I mean, what is there to say, really? No one saw this coming. No one knows what’s happening. No one knows what tomorrow holds. No one knows what the future looks like. There really is nothing to say.
This seems like an odd contrast to the myriad of voices in the media screaming at us 24/7. But as my college professor said over and over, “Suffering is word-shattering.” In the midst of trials, there really is nothing to say.
And this COVID-19 is a weird kind of suffering. There are some that are truly physically suffering and struggling to breathe in hospital beds right now. And there are those of us that are grieving losses due to the virus. And in a way I don’t think we will ever be the same after experiencing a global shut down and a pandemic-level of anxiety. But in my day to day life, I don’t feel like I’m suffering. I don’t feel like I’m in agony or anguish. Instead, I feel stuck. I feel restless. I feel apathetic. I feel frustrated. I feel like a kid who just got a long weekend off and is complaining because she’s bored. It all feels futile.
And so, since my brain doesn’t register this as suffering or any great sort of anguish, my inner critic allows herself to point out my daily shortfalls loud and proud.
I wonder if other people during wars and depressions and plagues and famines felt this way. I wonder if people felt like their day to day life was just them being stuck in a house with a world of uncertainty outside and a load of laundry to do inside.
So, because I assume I am not the only one with a harsh inner critic, and I really have nothing to say about the pandemic itself, I will say the only thing I have left. Instead of writing an earth-shattering article, I’ll just tell you all the things that you aren’t telling yourself.
You are in a pandemic.
We are in a global crisis.
Everything has changed and it’s okay if that makes you anxious.
This is scary. It is okay to feel scared of the virus or the government or the crashing economy, or just that online class that seems far more irrelevant in the midst of a national shut-down.
Your inner critic might tell you that you don’t have it bad enough to feel worried. But you don’t have to achieve any certain level of pain to feel unrest and you don’t have to compete with an anxious world to achieve the right to feel overwhelmed. There’s no leveling up right now. You don’t need permission to cry or be stressed. Let yourself feel what you feel without punishing yourself for it.
And if you don’t feel anything…guess what? That’s okay. If you feel apathetic because the world is going to hell in a handbasket and there’s nothing you can do about it, that’s just as valid as the person feeling weepy or fearful.
If you need to turn off the news and delete Facebook to stay sane, do it. If you need to drown out the sound of your own anxiety by another episode of your favorite sitcom, do it. If you need to sleep a few extra hours and you don’t know why – let yourself.
You feel weary because we are facing something that we’ve never faced before. You feel overwhelmed because there are voices all around, but no one has any answers. You feel restless because even virtual community over a Zoom call cannot replace sitting across the table from someone and seeing their smile. You feel unproductive because you have more hours, but less time. One day blurs into the next. There’s no weekly church outing. There are no long weekend road trips. We don’t even get to hear the chatter of a bustling restaurant.
No one knows what’s going on.
So tell your inner critic (or your inner anxiety or your inner dark thoughts) to shut up.
If she (or he) doesn’t have anything nice to say, she shouldn’t say anything at all.
Instead, have grace with yourself. Let yourself feel what you feel. Be kind to yourself. Tell yourself all the ways you are being brave. Celebrate all the creative ways you have come up with solutions to work from home or communicate with friends or stay sane.
Tell yourself things like:
“Wow, we are facing a global pandemic right now and you just conjured up enough focus to send three work-related emails. I’m proud of you.”
“Look at you letting yourself get extra sleep last night and taking an extra nap to care for your body and maintain a strong immune system. Good job!”
“The world is going crazy and you still ate three good meals today. Way to go!”
“I’m proud of you for choosing to turn off social media and call your best friend instead. That was good for you.”
“You did a good job listening to truth from God’s Word today instead of lies from the Enemy or panic from the world. That was hard, but you did it!”
“The world is in crisis and instead of hiding today, you got up and got dressed and did things. What a great victory!”
“You got frustrated with your kids today but they still love you and they are so blessed to have a parent caring for them in this crisis instead of facing it on their own. You are enough.”
“I am proud of you for letting yourself be vulnerable with your spouse about how overwhelmed you feel and letting them be a part of this pandemic with you instead of shutting them out. You are not alone in this.”
“Great job letting yourself have fun and laugh with your family today. Even coronavirus shouldn’t steal your joy!”
Fill in the blank with your own encouragements.
The point is that instead of being our own worst critics, we can be our own biggest cheerleaders. Instead of accusing ourselves of not doing enough or doing things the wrong way, we can remind ourselves of everything we’re doing right.
There is no playbook for how to stay sane during a multiple-month quarantine, a deadly virus, and life as we know is ceasing to be for an undetermined amount of time. YOU get to write your own playbook, and you’re not allowed to include any “shouldn’ts” or “not good enoughs.”
And when you can’t do it alone, remember that Jesus never asked you to.
When you’re hearing your own accusations about your weaknesses, remember that Jesus said his power is made perfect in weakness.
When you’re hearing lies about there being no hope, remember that there was no hope when Jesus was laid in the tomb….but then he rose.
When you’re feeling out of control, remember that Jesus never gave you that responsibility. He is in control so you don’t have to be.
When you’re feeling anxious remember that Jesus wants you to cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you.
When you are feeling weary, remember that he said, “come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest.” His yoke is easy and his burden is a whole lot lighter than the one you’re putting on yourself.
You are loved. You are not alone. There is hope. God is in control. Not even a pandemic can change that.
And so, even though I have no words to say, I’ll leave you with a story:
The sun was bright and it was a rain-free day, finally. So I went out for a long walk. As I walked I began praying and as soon as I started praying I felt the overwhelming sensation come over me. I was heavy laden with needs and requests, but I didn’t even want to talk to the Lord about them because they felt too heavy. Instead of blabbering about every anxiety I had about the world right now, I said, “Honestly, God I don’t really want to come at you with all these requests. I just want to be with you and escape them for a bit.”
So I walked and talked with God, choosing to forget we were in a global pandemic for a minute. I watched the grass blow in the breeze and felt the wind blowing my hair. I felt refreshed just from being with Jesus and trusting that all my overwhelming thoughts were safe with him and I didn’t need them anymore. Instead, I started asking him for ideas to stop feeling so overwhelmed. I felt like I was holding myself to impossible standards in the midst of an already impossible situation. It was at this moment that he lifted my eyes to the sky where I saw a bird effortlessly floating in the air. The bird wasn’t even flapping its wings. The strong wind was keeping it up in the air, and it was just soaring.
It was at this point that I remembered the passage from Isaiah 40 that says,
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
When we talk about soaring on wings like eagles, we’re not talking about the absence of a windy day – we’re talking about resting in the Lord’s strength to carry you through the windy day. So stop flapping your wings, little bird. Stop trying to fill the birdfeeder yourself. Go to the One who holds the whole virus-infected world in his hands and let him carry you. Let go of control, let go of self-criticism, let go of anxieties, let go of yourself and rest in Him. He is the maker of each day, so stop worrying about what the next six months look like and who will get sick and where our economy will be and how well you’re doing. Instead, all you have to think about is today. How will you soar on wings like eagles today? And if you don’t feel like you’re soaring….maybe it’s because you’re still flapping.
Be still and know that He is God.
