When I was little, my dad used to tell me a joke about an elephant. It goes, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” He is the king of dad jokes, so as I got older, I started to roll my eyes. But the lesson remains. When we think about going to therapy, bettering ourselves, and becoming healthier people, it sounds overwhelming. Most of us can think of a neverending list of things we need to fix about ourselves. So, sometimes it’s easier to stick to what we know. But just like my dad’s joke, I’ve come to realize that sometimes the simple idioms and quippy mantras can make a big difference in helping shift my mindset. So these are the 8 things I wish I had known to help me be a healthier person.
1. Nobody thinks about you as much as you think about you.
This one goes out to all my people pleasers and perfectionists who constantly worry about people judging them. That used to be me. I tried to follow every rule and every social norm because I was so scared of what people thought of me. It turns out I was my own worst critic. When I think back to my most insecure moments and hear my friends tell their own version of the story, I realize they weren’t even paying attention to me. Whether I was insecure about how I looked, overthinking something I said, or felt anxious about the impression I left, it was probably just in my head. Everyone else has their own insecurities to worry about.
If it’s hard for you to resonate with this, flip the scenario around. When your friend tells a story about an insecurity, what were you focusing on at that moment? Did you even notice the thing they felt so awkward about? Even if you noticed, it was most likely a fleeting thought that didn’t linger. It was so freeing when I realized that nobody was thinking about me as much as I thought. Then, whenever the little voice in my head whispered lies, I could much more easily shut it down, reminding myself, “literally, no one cares as much as you think they do.”
2. Awkwardness is part of being human.
For so long, I was scared of being awkward. I never wanted to do or say something people considered “cringy.” The embarrassment and shame I saw people experience became what I avoided – until I realized that being awkward is just part of being human. Sometimes you’ll mix “how are you” with “what’s up” and say, “How’s up?” Sometimes your waiter says, “enjoy your meal,” and you say, “you too.” Sometimes you are socially awkward, pause a little too long, or give someone finger guns for no reason.
Being awkward is not a statement about your worth nor a measure of your social capabilities. I can chuckle to myself, say, “oops, that was awkward,” and move on. I don’t need to dwell on what I should have done differently or worry that the other person is judging me. In fact, in most cases where someone said something awkward to me and got embarrassed, I found it endearing. It’s like a little glitch. It’s cute, and sometimes it’s a little cringy, and sometimes it’s a little charming. But either way, it’s not as bad as you think. So take the hit, and try again next time. It will really be okay.
3. Bandwagons are fun. That’s why people jump onto them.
I remember vowing to myself as a little girl that I would never wear things that were “trendy” because I didn’t want to be the adult looking back on her junior high yearbook photos and cringing. I saw adults embarrassed by their younger selves, and I didn’t want to put myself through that. So I tried to play it safe and avoid trendy fashion, popular music, or bold self-expression. It turns out I just missed out on a lot of fun.
As I have become an adult, I realized that even when playing it safe, I still did cringy things when I was younger. But I’m not embarrassed by my younger self – I’m proud of her. And if I could go back and tell her something, I would say, “just live your life and have fun jumping onto bandwagons.” Because even if my fashion choices become dated or my music tastes change, I want to look back and say that I lived fully without being scared. One day my kids will laugh at old pictures of me, but I’m just going to smile at old memories.
4. Anything worth doing is worth the hassle.
Some of the best memories in my life came from doing something that was far away, cost money, was logistically complicated, or included large crowds. There are lots of people who live their lives only doing what is preferable. If they hate crowds, they won’t do anything that gathers a group. If they don’t want to spend money, they will only do inexpensive things. If they don’t like travel, they will only do something close to home. And if logistics stress them out, they’ll avoid the hassle. And it’s okay to take the simpler path sometimes.
But for me, every time I have gone out on a limb and tried something that felt a little complicated or out of my comfort zone, I’ve learned that the most extraordinary adventures only come when I embrace the hassle. This revelation changed how I view my life. I can endure inconveniences for the greater payoff of once-in-a-lifetime experiences and unbelievable stories. I don’t usually like crowds, but if I had never braved the seas of people, I would never have seen stunning broadway shows, incredible concerts, charming festivals, and fantastic performances. I’m not a big fan of long drives, but if I didn’t drive/fly several hours, I would have missed out on meaningful weddings, parties, retreats, and fireside chats. If something is really worth doing, then it will be worth all the hassle.
5. It’s not you; it’s me.
This phrase is most known as a classic breakup line. People roll their eyes because it seems like a cop-out. But, as someone who constantly used to wonder if people secretly hated me, it’s lines like this that have helped me to realize it’s usually “a you problem.” Whatever the issue, whether someone hasn’t texted back, hasn’t responded to your invitations, has seemed rude, felt “off” in their interaction with you, or didn’t act how you hoped they would, it’s almost never about you. Maybe they are having a hard day, recently received bad news, are managing an insanely busy schedule, are wrestling with a bout of depression, or simply forgot to respond. Don’t take it personally; give it time, and give them the grace and compassion you would want if you were having a tough week.
Rather than always assuming people are mad at me when they seem “off,” my new thing is always to assume things are okay unless they give me a reason to believe otherwise. This is one of the healthiest mindset shifts I’ve ever made. Of course, there will still be occasional conflict-avoidant people who don’t want to tell me when they’re mad, but I don’t need to take that on my shoulders. I can only respond to what is communicated to me. And if no one has addressed an interpersonal conflict to resolve, my new default is to give them grace and follow up again later. This helps me avoid falling into self-protective strategies out of fear and live life from a place of compassion and confidence.
6. Linger Longer.
During college, my floor and our friends would eat meals together in the cafeteria. It was a great social time and resulted in some beautiful friendships. But I’m an introvert, and after a long day of classes, I wasn’t always in a talkative mood. Some days it would be harder than others to engage in meaningful conversations, especially if the people at dinner that night weren’t people I had talked to very much. So I started to escape from uncomfortable social interactions by leaving the cafeteria practically as soon as the last bite of food was in my mouth.
At one point, I realized that this wasn’t what I wanted. Instead, I wanted to get to know the people I didn’t know well and push myself out of my comfort zone. So I developed this mantra, telling myself to linger. Every time I had the urge to leave, I would make myself sit just a little longer and see what happened. The worst-case scenario was that I lingered a beat too long, the conversation had died, and it was a little awkward for a minute. But more often than not, some of the best conversations happened when I chose to linger. At that moment, we could either disengage due to discomfort or engage a little deeper, trying to find another point of connection. From those lingering moments, I got to know people better, learned to ask better questions, and came away with some friends I wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t sat in the tension for a little longer.
You may not eat your meals in a cafeteria, but I’m sure you have moments in conversations when awkward silence sets in, and you want to disengage. So what would happen if you were courageous enough to linger just a little longer? Instead of filling the silence or fleeing the scene, it’s possible that just silently counting to ten in your head could open the door for a beautiful conversation you may never have had if you didn’t linger.
7. This, too, shall pass.
It’s so easy when we experience a negative emotion to convince ourselves that we’ll feel this way forever. This leap to pessimism and despair often makes the situation worse because we start to feel stuck. Instead of acknowledging how we feel in the present moment, we begin almost to prophesy that this is all our future holds. When we feel like we’re going to drown, we do desperate things.
The most powerful thing I learned about emotions is that they’re like passing waves. The most powerful ocean waves can knock you off your feet for a moment, but then they pass. The tide comes in, and the tide goes out. The waves swell and flow and crash and break—the current flows and swirls. Emotions are the same way. Some days they are so strong that it feels like they’ll pull you under. On other days they are just subtly nagging you under the surface. But in every case, the sadness, frustration, anger, or fear will pass. It is not here to stay. Today’s a bad day or week, but it will not always feel like this. With time, this too shall pass. Tomorrow’s a new day with new mercies. And there’s always hope for a better tomorrow.
8. It’s okay to let people squirm.
Tell me if this sounds familiar: You said something that made somebody feel bad. You noticed they were feeling bad, so you either took back what you said, minimized it, or tried to take their negative emotions on yourself. This is an easy mistake to make. But, we need to speak the truth in love. And some of us need to practice putting a little more truth in our love. (If you’re reading this and can’t relate, you might need to practice putting a little more love in your truth.)
We all need to remember that it’s okay for other people to feel negative emotions. It’s even okay for them to respond negatively to something we said. Calling your friend out for harmful behavior might be necessary sometimes, even if they get defensive. They might even disagree with your assessment, but this doesn’t make it invalid. Of course, we all need humility, so don’t attack your friend out of arrogance or judgment. But if you intend to compassionately tell them that something in their life is potentially harmful, you might need to let them wrestle with that a little. It’s okay to let people squirm.
Have you ever gotten a deep-tissue massage? Sometimes when the massage therapist digs a tender spot, I squirm. It hurts, and it’s very uncomfortable. But my massage therapist never says, “oh, sorry! That must be the wrong muscle. I’ll leave that area tight.” No! I would never want that. I get a massage because I need her to help release the tension from the tight muscles. Even if it makes me squirm and hurts at the moment, it helps me feel so much better afterward. Sometimes as friends, it’s our job to press on a tender spot and point out a problem area in our friend’s life. If they squirm, it’s not a reflection of your value. You need to be confident enough in your worth that your friends have space to squirm a little. That’s how the healing happens.
If you love conflict and don’t care what people think about you, these mantras may resonate differently. But for the perfectionists, the people pleasers, the socially awkward, the anxious overthinkers, and the conflict-avoidant people, this might be just what you need to reject some of the repetitive lies in your life and step into greater freedom and confidence. A quirky catchphrase won’t fix all the world’s problems, but it may help you eat the elephant one little bite at a time!
